Sausage fest, part CCCLVIII

10 June 2013

So we walked out of the theater after seeing the new Star Trek movie (my review: “That was ridiculous and awesome.” My partner’s review: “Meh.”) and we saw a poster for one of the movies that had been previewed during our screening — the new Denzel Washington/ Mark Wahlberg vehicle, Two Guns. Which reminded me to be re-outraged by the sausage fest.

I’m hesitant to ask you to watch this trailer, because it’s so stupid. (Denzel and Marky Mark are friends?) But note the use of The Girl (Paula Patton).

She appears at 1:00 to say something inane in an interview room (this scene did not appear in the theater’s abbreviated version of the trailer), but her key appearance occurs at 2:10, when she takes off her shirt, walks around in her panties to the tune of “All Along the Watchtower,” and says something forgettable while being topless.

If that’s not enough for you, she finally appears at 2:32 tied up and in need of saving.

Doesn’t that sum up our summer blockbuster choices (including Star Trek, which wasted no time getting Dr. Carol Marcus into her bra & panty set)?

star-trek-2-into-darkness-alice-eve-underwear

“Science officer” and “weapons expert” Dr Carol Marcus

Now, lord knows I love a Denzel flick. I consider him to be my longest-running uncomplicated crush, dating back to the TV series St. Elsewhere and Biko. Mark Wahlberg, however, is another matter; he’s someone I’ve loved to hate for the past 20 years, with only several exceptions (I sort of liked him in The Italian Job). Also, he’s way too ubiquitous at the moment, becoming a homophobic and over-steroided version of what poor Katherine Heigl used to be.

I could be accused of picking on this movie except that it’s essentially identical to every other blockbuster trailer you can find. Damn, is this a bad year for women in film, or what?

Be not afraid, my friends, of the vitriole here — for I do have a merry heart, poor fool, it stays on the windy side of care. Plus I have some great love for smaller films which I’ll talk about later this week. Films, that is, which had a more complex pitch than:

It has Denzel and Marky Mark, and it’s called Two Guns.

Makes you want to go vegetarian, doesn’t it?

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9 Responses to “Sausage fest, part CCCLVIII”

  1. Servetus Says:

    yeah, I’m now kind of hedging on whether I want to see ST. Which means that it’s entirely possible that the only film I’ll see in a theater this whole year will be the 2nd Hobbit film … and not for feminist reasons, obviously, although it will have an extra female character for relatability.

    • Didion Says:

      Can I recommend that you run, don’t walk, to see Sarah Polley’s Stories We Tell instead?

      I will say, in addition, that I had a blast during the ST film, panties/bra set or no.

  2. Hattie Says:

    I look forward to your movie recommendations. I can’t believe how bad the summer movie offerings are this year, and when I see the lines going around the block to get in to see this dreck, I despair for our country.

  3. eteokretan Says:

    I’m curious. Have you ever seen a movie that had a bra-and-panties set that was actually realistic? I know, I know, most movies run screaming from reality—but some intentionally try for “realism.” Do the gritty, hide-no-blemishes “realism” films still insist on bra-and-panties sets that (a) match, (b) look rather uncomfortable, and (c) are of some kind of silky fabric that doesn’t breath properly?

    • Didion Says:

      No kidding. So I’m supposed to imagine that in the future women can be science officers and weapons experts, but they still have to shop at Victoria’s Secret and wear that stuff daily? It’d be far more plausible if she were in a jogging bra and an old pair of cotton panties with weird stains on them.

      And yes, the answer is that no one has ever seen a woman onscreen in realistic knickers.

  4. phylly3 Says:

    Not only do I agree with everything you just said ( more or less ), but I also can’t stand trailers that basically cover the whole movie. Not only do I not want to see this film, but I also feel like there’s no point anyway because I just watched it!

    • Didion Says:

      Amen to that. You just want to say, “Ingmar Bergman, step aside! a new master of subtlety has arrived.”


  5. […] had decided I was going to give this film a miss, but Dear Friend’s opinion changed my mind. Also, I used to go to the movies a lot, in my last city, and thought, as rare as […]

  6. Fritz L. Frank Says:

    So from that we’re supposed to assume Naval Intelligence and the DEA have some terrible rivalry. I suppose there have been more spurious things for “buddy cops” to have between them. Just about. Do remind me – what was it Tango didn’t like about Cash, and vice versa?


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