So we walked out of the theater after seeing the new Star Trek movie (my review: “That was ridiculous and awesome.” My partner’s review: “Meh.”) and we saw a poster for one of the movies that had been previewed during our screening — the new Denzel Washington/ Mark Wahlberg vehicle, Two Guns. Which reminded me to be re-outraged by the sausage fest.

I’m hesitant to ask you to watch this trailer, because it’s so stupid. (Denzel and Marky Mark are friends?) But note the use of The Girl (Paula Patton).

She appears at 1:00 to say something inane in an interview room (this scene did not appear in the theater’s abbreviated version of the trailer), but her key appearance occurs at 2:10, when she takes off her shirt, walks around in her panties to the tune of “All Along the Watchtower,” and says something forgettable while being topless.

If that’s not enough for you, she finally appears at 2:32 tied up and in need of saving.

Doesn’t that sum up our summer blockbuster choices (including Star Trek, which wasted no time getting Dr. Carol Marcus into her bra & panty set)?


“Science officer” and “weapons expert” Dr Carol Marcus

Now, lord knows I love a Denzel flick. I consider him to be my longest-running uncomplicated crush, dating back to the TV series St. Elsewhere and Biko. Mark Wahlberg, however, is another matter; he’s someone I’ve loved to hate for the past 20 years, with only several exceptions (I sort of liked him in The Italian Job). Also, he’s way too ubiquitous at the moment, becoming a homophobic and over-steroided version of what poor Katherine Heigl used to be.

I could be accused of picking on this movie except that it’s essentially identical to every other blockbuster trailer you can find. Damn, is this a bad year for women in film, or what?

Be not afraid, my friends, of the vitriole here — for I do have a merry heart, poor fool, it stays on the windy side of care. Plus I have some great love for smaller films which I’ll talk about later this week. Films, that is, which had a more complex pitch than:

It has Denzel and Marky Mark, and it’s called Two Guns.

Makes you want to go vegetarian, doesn’t it?