I know what you’re thinking: the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case reminds us all how hard it is to keep from sexually assaulting women. I mean, there he was — the chief of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) in his $3,000 per night hotel room when the African maid walks in to clean — golly, one can sure see what a sticky situation that was. So let’s revisit a handy checklist that circulated via email a couple of years ago (Salon mentions they couldn’t locate a source) to remember how to avoid rape.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by herself, leave her alone.

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault her.

4. Never open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, don’t rape her.

6. Remember, people go to laundry rooms to do their laundry; do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. Use the buddy system! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people. Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to rape. Consider telling her you plan to assault her. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless he or she is awake.

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so she can blow it if you do.

And ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime — no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

“Ladies’ Man or Sexual Predator?”

That’s what they’re asking at ABC News about Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the International Monetary Fund (as if I needed more reasons to hate the IMF), in the wake of charges of sexual abuse and rape. That’s right: let’s offer the public one more chance to excuse his behavior as harmless flirting, and fill comments sections with suggestions that Strauss-Kahn’s victims are whiny bitches. I’ll bet you $1000 when the pundits debate this question, they’ll get a woman to defend the “ladies’ man” side of this important question.

Meanwhile, the news about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “love child” (as the press invariably terms it; why not just “child”?) begs the question: you’re surprised? Oh, I get it — you didn’t believe all those women who came forward with reports of The Governator’s predatory nature back when he was running for governor.

And then there’s Roseanne Barr, who’s penned an unforgiving essay in this month’s New York Magazine about her experience being undermined, ridiculed, and dismissed even as Roseanne became a #1 TV show. Tina Fey observed earlier this year in that terrific New Yorker piece that men will call any of us a “crazy bitch” once they no longer want to fuck us. I’ll bet you $1000 that 70% of the response will debate the question, “How much is Roseanne Barr a crazy bitch?”

Message: you can’t win, ladies! So let’s debate whether Schwarzenegger is a ladies’ man or a sexual predator (and let me advise you that if you argue the latter, you will be termed a crazy bitch!).

Update, 11:15 am Tuesday: Our hero, Twisty Faster, has some sparks-flyin’ words at her blog, I Blame the Patriarchy, in which she points out that both Strauss-Kahn and Schwarzenegger shtupped “the maid.” Oh, “the maid.” The media barely treats such women as human, much less worthy of respect.