Headlines I have loved

26 October 2012

I don’t know about you, but I like to scan the sites Jezebel and Gawker just for the headlines. They’re so reliable for snark and sarcasm; if one can take the occasionally obnoxious self-congratulation, they remain a good way to add a dose of vinegar to your reading diet. To wit:

For the Love of God, Will We Ever Stop Asking if Men and Women Can “Just Be Friends”?

Court Rules That Lap Dances Aren’t Dramatic and Artistic Enough for Tax Exemption

But my favorites are the headlines pertaining to politics, especially gender politics:

New Site Tracks How Many Days Have Passed Since a Republican Said Something Shitty About Rape

Poll: What Kind of Self-Tanner Do You Think Mitt Romney Uses?

“We’re Not Stupid” Says Stupid Lady Endorsing Romney as “Feminist”

Don’t get me wrong; I seldom read the actual stories unless the headline manages to leave something vague. This is headline writing in the vein of the brilliant The Onion: all is conveyed in a succinct sentence fragment. (Their latest: Hot New App from the GOP Modernizes Minority Voter Suppression.)

So here’s my real question: do headlines like this — clearly intended to represent the viewpoint of comparatively young, feminist, anti-racist and pro-gay readers — have the capacity to be game-changers in fostering a broader pro-feminist perspective when it comes to politics?

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Lord knows I, as much as the next girl, love being told by white male politicians what God wants for me. It just gets so confusing for my lady brain when they disagree.

So let me fire this one at Richard Mourdock, the Republican candidate for Senate from Indiana, who explained in Monday night’s televised debate that he opposes abortion for women who’ve been impregnated by their rapists because God “intended” it to happen.

Hang on, so God wants me to be raped? and to serve as empty vessel for the rapist’s spawn?

“The only exception I have to have an abortion is in the case of the life of the mother,” said Mourdock, the Tea Party-backed candidate who knocked Sen. Richard Lugar (R) out of the race at the primary stage. “I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”

Don’t you wish that you, too, knew what God wanted? Perhaps it’s only women who are suckers enough to believe in all that “working in mysterious ways” stuff.

Mourdock’s opponents jumped on his statement immediately (they are both rabidly anti-abortion, yet allow for exceptions). “The God I believe in and the God I know most Hoosiers believe in, does not intend for rape to happen – ever,” said Mourdock’s Democratic opponent, Joe Donnelly. “What Mr. Mourdock said is shocking, and it is stunning that he would be so disrespectful to survivors of rape.”

Whoa! whiplash! I have a question, sir: Does God want me to be raped or not? Dammit all, how can there be such confusion on this issue? And can someone tell me how anybody knows what God’s will is?

Other questions arise. If God is involved to this extent, why don’t we tell people that God wants a criminal to invade their homes and hold them hostage just for kicks? Does God want all those other rape victims to be murdered and left in shallow graves?

Yup, that’s right, ladies: we just have to lie back and take all this information about God’s will over our bodies. ‘Cuz lord knows He only talks to politicians.