Greatest review of “Garden State” ever

15 August 2014

Just do yourself a favor and read Lindy West’s “I Re-Watched Garden State and Will Never Feel Again” over at Jezebel. You will laugh. You will never watch Garden State again.

A snippet:

Natalie Portman’s character claims to be a human being but is actually a genie that exists entirely within the mind of Zach Braff’s dreaming penis. Much has already been written about this, so I will not rehash it in great detail. She tap-dances. She lies, puckishly. She emcees somber hamster funerals. She introduces strangers to her blankie. She figure-skates in a crushed-velvet alligator costume. She wears an epilepsy helmet just long enough to facilitate a wise and bittersweet moment and then never wears it again. She walks over to her record player and opens the lid but doesn’t put a record on just to make VERY SURE you know she has one.

Here are some words that Zach Braff wrote down for Natalie Portman to say throughout the course of the movie:

“My hair’s blowin’ in the wind.”

“Can we have code names?”

“You know what I do when I feel completely unoriginal? [WORST THING EVER HAPPENS] I make a noise, or do something that no one has ever done before. Then I can feel unique again, even if it’s only for a second.”

“If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s going to seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.”

“I’m weird, man.”


If I were, say, 15 years younger I would aspire to such writing, but at my advanced age I think it would be unseemly. Still, I envy her final two sentences with a passion that rivals what I feel for a certain pair of boots that cost an amount I am not allowed to spend on anything whatsoever. 

Blecch, Garden State.

4 Responses to “Greatest review of “Garden State” ever”

  1. Hattie Says:

    Oh god! I was about halfway through this review and I realized I’d seen the movie but had managed to forget it! Ugh! Now I have to remember its ickiness.

    • Didion Says:

      I know what you mean. For me it was that description of his sad pill-popping existence — I thought, “Oh, yeah! This film was just terrible! And if you let yourself think about it, it’s even worse!”

  2. Garden State was my introduction to the Manic Pixie Girl trope. I couldn’t figure out why I hated it when it was an indie movie and “everyone else” seemed to love it.

    Now I know, it’s because “everyone else” is a moron.

  3. Poppa Zao Says:

    I never watched Garden State in the first place. But I hope you check out Volta , which is available (at least as a DVD rental) through Netflix and is a lot more enjoyable and original than the recent American superhero movies.

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