How to get rich from your writing

19 July 2013

Just received my annual royalty check: paltry, as expected. Thus I’m happy to announce that I’ve turned away from academic writing altogether, and have been studying the NY Times Book Review bestsellers lists for advice on future writing. Clearly the time has come to write diet books. Here are a few titles you can expect from me in the near future:

Slim Down by Street Address. A diet regimen tailored for you, based on the last two digits of your house number. Did you know that if your street address ends in 19, you should avoid corn and corn products? If your last two numbers are 83, you need to eat ketchup every day. That’s just the beginning!

The Zombie Diet. Think about it: zombies do nothing but eat, yet never seem to gain weight. Read on to learn this diet trick.


The “Breaking Bad” Binge-Watcher’s Cookbook. A series of lightning-fast, microwaveable recipes for foods utilizing only ingredients already found in your cupboard. The dieting part sets in when you fail to eat anything because the show makes you feel so existentially uncomfortable. Might also be used for binge-watching Battlestar Galactica but the weight loss promises are less foolproof.

All of this planning makes me pretty excited for next year’s royalty check. Maybe then it’ll amount to a little more than knowing I’ll be able to pay next month’s cable bill.

6 Responses to “How to get rich from your writing”

  1. perry322 Says:

    I like the blogger’s diet, You’re so busy reading blogs, following links, making and answering comments that you have no time to eat. Not much exercise though, only the fingers get muscles.

  2. Hattie Says:

    Oh God. I am so tiredof hearing about diets, dieting and dieters. But that is a minority point of view. My mother bored me to such an extent on these matters, spending her life being overweight but always on some diet or other. I decided to settle for being overweight and not dieting. Lots easier, same results.
    BTW: Enjoying “The Bridge.” Since I’m going to Sweden soon, I have to learn about the Swedish crime wave. It’s such a sick and sadisitic show. Naturally, I like it a lot.

    • Didion Says:

      I’m so with you on eschewing the diet scene. If one more person (my hairstylist, my neighbor, a Facebook friend….) tells me about their stupid diet regimen I’ll unpeel a stick of butter in front of them and eat it whole. But I must admit to being intrigued by the possibility of making money by inventing one of these ridiculous plans.

      Glad to know you’re liking The Bridge! (Swedish or US version?)

  3. Servetus Says:

    I read the other day that two authors account for something like a quarter of the revenue in the entire worldwide book market at the moment — the author of 50 Shades and Suzanne Collins. This is an even larger share than either Stephenie Meyer or JK Rowling had.

    • Didion Says:

      That’s just crazy! And what about James Patterson, who’s often cited as raking in three times as much money as the next author?

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