Area man hospitalized after shooting penis: two versions

9 August 2011

My version:

Curses, curses! on those fickle gods, those tricksters. Pause with me while I sing a poem to the ironies of fate.

Oh, how quickly an ordinary day can turn dark. It rarely turns dark in the suburbs of Phoenix, Arizona, the home of Joshua and Cara. Oh Cara and Joshua, Joshua and Cara: did the burning sun, bright blue sky, and baking heat of Phoenix in August give you any warning of the sad events to unfold?

They set out together on a walk to the grocery store — were they holding hands? were they laughing together with the glow of love? — when the fates intervened in the form of Cara’s pink pistol, which Joshua had tucked into his waistband. How, oh how, did it fire? 

Pink pistol, the walk to the market, the burning sun: ingredients for trouble. Somehow, somehow, the bullet cruelly pierced Joshua’s penis and left thigh. How he must have cried! how Cara must have bemoaned the perversity of it coming from her own pink weapon, that symbol of hard femininity that her love had tried to possess, if only momentarily! Can Joshua and Cara rise again from these ashes, like that mythic bird for which Phoenix was named?

The AP’s version:

CHANDLER, Ariz. (AP) — A suburban Phoenix man is recovering after police say he accidentally shot himself in the penis while putting his girlfriend’s gun in the waistband of his pants.

Chandler police say 27-year-old Joshua Seto and his fiancée, Cara Christopher, were walking toward a grocery store when the shooting happened last week. The gun fired, striking Seto’s penis and continuing through his left thigh.

The Arizona Republic reports (http://bit.ly/oEjass ) a 911 operator told Christopher to apply direct pressure to the wound with a dry towel or T-shirt.

Chandler Police Detective Seth Tyler was unsure of the type of gun, or whether it had a safety that was off. He also says it’s unclear if Seto has been released from the hospital or suffered any permanent damage.

In the wake of the shooting, Tyler warned residents to use holsters, not waistbands, if they’re going to carry a handgun.

And the Arizona Republic adds, with the hardest note of all from detective Tyler:

He may possibly face charges, too, Tyler said. “The case agent is still determining that,” Tyler said Sunday.

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7 Responses to “Area man hospitalized after shooting penis: two versions”

  1. servetus Says:

    Not bad. Definitely recalls Homer, but you need a few more of those typical phrases: “pink steel death-bringer,” “softened manhood,” etc.

    • Didion Says:

      I’m thinking that perhaps I need to start over and try a Hemingway slant on the tale. Or perhaps Garcia Marquez. Or Daniel Defoe.

  2. servetus Says:

    Defoe would be great, I’d love to read that 🙂

  3. JE Says:

    Homer’s version, or rather my Homeric version:

    As Joshua, beloved of Aphrodite, opened the front door,
    Fair-bosomed Cara brought to him the ill-fated weapon. Small and pink,
    The little handgun lay dwarfed in his mighty hand. “Ho!” he laughed,
    “what kind of weapon is this? The gun of a maiden.” But he took it,
    smiling at his beloved partner, and stepped out into the sunlight.

    Arrow-showering Artemis seethed with rage and pulled an arrow from
    Her silver quiver, “you will feel the weapons of a maiden.” Aphrodite
    Leapt from her seat and appealed to Zeus Kronides, the father
    Of gods and men, “Father Zeus, Joshua and Cara are favorites of mine.
    They do not deserve such a fate.” Zeus held up in his right hand
    The bronze scales that weigh the fates of mortal men and their
    various body parts. Joshua’s fate dipped, and Artemis rejoiced
    in her heart at the righteousness of her vengeance. She took up,
    once more, her sharpest arrow, and fitted it to the string of her bow.

    Cara closed the front door; Joshua, ignorant of how the gods had
    Deserted him, slipped the tiny gun into his waistband.
    “Twang,” sang the silver bow of the daughter of Leto. And Joshua fell,
    As a great tree falls, when a woodsman fells it deep in the woods.

    And as when a fish, which has been swimming the deep water of
    A shady river, leaps high from the water, rejoicing in its strength,
    But lands belly-up on the shore under a spreading plane tree,
    Quite by accident, and gasps great gulps of the unwanted air, and
    The light in its eyes grows dim, as in its heart it regrets leaping so
    High, and it lets out bubbling moans at its unhappy fate,

    So Joshua, flailing on the grass, groaned in agony, bemoaning the
    Power of the little weapon, though he could not help but marvel at
    The irony of the small pink weapon’s apparent animosity toward
    Other small pink things within its range. And as he lay there he asked
    In his heart why he had not checked whether the safety was on.

    And Cara, tearing the veil from her shining hair, slapped both hands
    Against her thighs in anguish, and fell to the grass by her stricken
    Young lord. “Why, Aphrodite, cruelest of the goddesses?” she cried,
    “When have we not poured for you libations of the choicest wine?
    I implore you, save my Joshua from this cruelest of fates, if ever we
    Left honey-cakes on your altars, come to our aid. I promise we will
    Give to you sacrifices of chocolate and a really nice zinfandel
    that we’ve been saving for next weekend when Chet and Mary come over.

    Aphrodite accepted her vows, but could not fulfill them, as it was
    Not Aphrodite, but proud Artemis who had caused the gun to fire,
    Insulted at the cruel jibes the ignorant Joshua had made about the
    Weapons of women.

    _________
    Okay, Homer might call down curses on me for bits of that. Best I can do in half an hour. Oh, ye gods, that was fun.

    • Didion Says:

      I have been schooled. “The irony of the small pink weapon’s apparent animosity toward / other small pink things within its range.” Fan-fucking-tastic.

    • servetus Says:

      I am SERIOUSLY impressed. Love the idea of a libation involving a really nice zinfandel. Hecatombs of chocolate!


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