Female professors forced to wear sexy outfits: a satire. Or is it?

The American Association of University Professors (AAUP) has announced its decision, in consultation with the university marketing firm College Boo-Yah!, that starting during the Fall 2011 semester female professors will be expected to wear skimpy outfits when they teach classes.

Geology professors leaving the faculty club

The proposed dress code results from nationwide concerns that university professors face public opposition even more virulent than that directed at public school teachers. Inspired by the Badminton World Federation’s controversial decision earlier this week to demand that its female players wear skimpy outfits at the 2012 Olympics in London, the AAUP’s proposed plan seeks to drum up public and student support for teachers with its new Hotness 2011-12 campaign.

“We cannot expect that students will, you know, want to learn stuff just to learn it,” said Cassidy McWha, marketing exec of College Boo-Yah! “If universities want to, like, be awesome and popular, their girls have to show a little skin.”

University transition plans draw on beach volleyball rules designating the maximum size of bikinis. Female professors will be individually measured and given clear instructions about what percentage of skin must be viewable.

A statistics professor modeling the proposed "family values" outfit

McWha has also spearheaded a move by a select number of top universities to alter the questions asked on the evaluations students complete at the end of each semester. Rather than assess a professor’s teaching technique or the class’s difficulty, students will complete such questions as “This class made me feel _____,” “How many boners did you have during this class?” and “On a scale of 1-10, how hot was your professor?”

“Female professors have a ton of room for expressing their individuality,” reported Dallas Houston (“Pube”) Austin, III, newly-installed chancellor of the Texas State University system. “If a lady is, like, uptight or whatever, she can wear the ‘family values’ outfit, which is just like what the Catholic schoolgirls roller derby teams wear. And of course Muslim hotties can still just wear their burqas.” Indeed, female faculty with religious restrictions will be permitted to wear a prescribed range of approved alternate outfits.

“I don’t know what you expect me to say,” said Astrid Haallström-Martínez, the new chair of Celebrity Culture Studies at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas and former chair of Women’s Studies. “I suppose seeing their middle-aged female professors in thigh-high stockings and bikini tops could, in theory, encourage undergraduates to be more accepting of different women’s body shapes.”

Arabic professors envying the new Dean for Academic Excellence babydoll dress

Despite protests from some feminist professors, rumored to fear they won’t look good in the proposed clothing, Women’s Studies departments throughout the nation have agreed to support the measure. Departments have also complied with titular changes following news that the word women is a “buzzkill.” And indeed, when the University of Chicago approved the renamed Program for the Study of Manliness, Girls, and Sexiness, its number of majors increased by nearly 350%. 

Mathematics professors preparing their legs for their new university website portraits

But our paper has unearthed verified reports that those faculty were held at gunpoint by university administrators until they agreed to the sartorial changes and renaming projects. “I mean, it was bad enough when they threatened to dismantle the program,” said one Women’s Studies faculty member, whose identity has been concealed. “Then they took out a folder of photos of my kid playing at school and said if I don’t comply, they would kidnap him and sell him to pedophiles.” She explains that she quickly pressured her colleagues into complying with the new measures.

In addition, universities are making plans to revise university websites to attract potential students by means of its overall hotness factor, a grade that the AAUP will tally at the end of each semester. Female faculty portraits will be replaced by images of any given professor’s “hottest body part” — legs, breasts, and lips being most favored by administrations — as per the advice of College Boo-Yah! The U.S. News and World Report college rankings will be phased out, to be replaced with a new list entitled Hotness Bada Bing!

Rumors are circulating that hiring practices and tenure expectations for female faculty will be radically revised.

“If university faculty want to protect their ‘academic excellence’ and research budgets, they just have to take one for the team,” concluded Haallström-Martínez. “Or to be more precise, they have to take this as well as the proposed pay cuts and increased teaching loads.”